Happy Mother’s Day one day late!
I had a wonderful and relaxing mother’s day with my family. We hung out and laughed too much and probably ate too much too…at least I did.
Saturday night Tommy and I had one of those talks where we stayed up late and delved deep into where we are on this journey. We’re in this place of transition it feels. I had a business meeting/counseling session with a friend this past week. We want to work on a project together, and you know all that stuff I wrote about a while ago? About poverty, and not feeling secure financially? Well, it all comes roaring back to me every single time that I work on growing in this arena. It’s as if I can’t allow myself to expand to allow this possibility in.
I’m not one who is particularly into “The Law of Attraction”, however, I do think that we can all create self fulfilling prophecies for ourselves. If we are so fixated on feeling small and insignificant, or undervalued, it can keep us there. I feel like I sometimes blind myself to opportunities, or create obstacles for myself…just because of these self inflicted barriers. I don’t really have examples…it just feels like I close myself off to a lot.
Another friend and frequent commenter left a comment on one of last weeks posts that has stuck with me. She talked about different seasons in a person’s life, and how we feel driven, or not driven at different times. I absolutely feel that we have these types of ebbs and flows all throughout life, and that it would make sense that there would be different trends of those patterns in large “seasonal” portions of our life.
I’m not sure if it’s my age, or the age of my children, or watching the plasticity of change that young children undergo, but I’m certainly in a driven stage. I would be lying if I said that that comment didn’t scare me a little. The idea that I might just run out of juice, or stop caring about my projects or ambitions frightens me.
This life is temporary, this moment is passing in every instant, and I know that in reality I have very little control over what happens. But, I do feel very attached to the idea of setting a crazy number of goals and striving to meet them. Still not sure if that’s my season speaking, or my personality, or what.
Tommy is reading a book by Brene Brown right now and I got the pleasure of listening to him read a few pages today. The book is called Daring Greatly, and it talks about the importance of vulnerability in life. That the act of allowing our struggles to be out in the open actually strengthens us as people, and it strengthens our connection to others. I don’t know about you, but I needed to hear that.
One of Brown’s points stuck with me in particular. She says that when we share our struggles that the person who shares them many times views themselves as weak, whereas those who see the person share view the sharer as brave.
It reminded me that one of the things that helps our girls most after they get in trouble is hearing about a time in my life when I have gotten in trouble for something similar, or done some thing worse. We have been having trouble with the girls arguing at bedtime. It came to a head a few days ago, and then on Saturday morning, Gracie came and snuggled with me under the comforter and I told her about a time when I got grounded for two weeks for disrespecting my mother very badly. I’m always amazed when I open up to my children, how beautifully they open right back up.
I didn’t ever really consider that vulnerability before….It’s something that my own parents modeled for me when I was a child. They always copped to the fact that they were imperfect people who had made mistakes. I do the same with my children because I remember the sense of relaxation that it created in me to know that I wasn’t terrible…because my own parents had done things they weren’t proud of. Even if it was the simple act of playing too wild with a classmate, or laughing when someone else got hurt.
I’m starting to wonder if the problem that I have in relationship to financial gain has to do with vulnerability. I had and have so much shame tied up in the idea of poverty, and having lived in poverty. I don’t know what to do with that, but that’s where I am right now.