Sometimes, at night especially, I feel like there is always someone crying. Lately we’re back to the early days of sleep deprivation. Both babies are waking up multiple times at night and many times these wakings overlap.
I’m in a groggy stupor. Someone is crying…but I’m nursing the baby it can’t be the baby. And Tommy gently says “are you ready for him?”. Oh wait, there’s another one. All at once I feel angry. I’m not angry at anyone in particular….It’s the irrational anger of feeling tired All. The. Time. “Yes.” I snap. I lay on my back. This time it’s Granger that I’ve been nursing for the last half hour…or could it have been a year?…and Finn has been fussing and wrestling with Tommy as he gets walked around or rocked in the rocker. It’s who-the-heck-knows o’clock, and now Tommy half tosses half plops Finn at my side. Now Finn crawls on top of me as I lay half on my side half on my back so that I can keep Granger half way asleep while I nurse them both at the same time. I am now a contortionist. This is so freaking uncomfortable…but I don’t dare move and risk fully waking Granger…and Finn seems to be settling. I can roll over in half an hour maybe….but it may as well be next month.
Tommy starts to snore. I KNOW he needs his sleep, but I curse him anyway. F-ing blankety blank. I want to rip all the pages out of my twins nursing books. The mothers smiling as they position their babies at the breast. I’m a freaking expert at lactation…and I feel like grinding my teeth every time they need to nurse at night together. Pillows…I know I need pillows. I’ll pull them all out again. I just thought we were past this. Sigh.
I’m tired. I decided to put off the post about Zadi’s wedding ceremony and reception a bit because I’m grumpy and tired. I’m in no position to write about one of her most important days when I feel like cussing in the middle of the night and when I fall asleep on the couch at 9pm, 2pm, noon, you get the idea.
A few thoughts on sleep. It will come back around. The baby and toddler phase go by so fast. It’s just hard when in this portion of the circuit. You get to a certain point and you think “I shouldn’t have to be sleep deprived anymore”.
I’m still very much committed to meeting our babies’ needs at night. I remind myself often that while it’s hard for me to have two babies at once, each of them only gets one babyhood. That short period of time comprised of so much precious development and foundation for life. Finn and Granger can’t help that for their mom and dad the most physically intense time of their lives comes at the same time. They have needs for food and comfort, even in the middle of the night when Tommy and I want to sleep.
So tonight I will pack a couple more pillows next to the bed and when they need to nurse together in the middle of the night I’ll be a bit more comfortable. I feel good about how we parent at night. I’m proud of meeting their needs. Sometimes I’m just a tad grumpy too.
What’s something that is incredibly difficult for you, but that you are determined not to give up on?