I will post the end of Ava’s birth story. I most certainly and truly will, but I’m needing to write tonight, and that story is already written. I don’t feel like going through and editing tonight. Tonight I need to create something new.
I’m trying to make sense of a certain stage that I’m in in life. Once again I’m fully in the toddler stage of motherhood, but for the first time it is with twins. It feels similar to when I had a Gracie who was three and and Ava who was one. At that age, I was always holding someone. Ava was not a baby that insisted on being held all the time until she was a bit older, and so she was constantly on my hip in a ring sling at age one. And I was still tandem nursing the girls, so whenever I sat down both girls would scramble up in my lap both wanting to be nursed.
Having a single baby scramble up every time you sit down is, at times, hard and exhausting. Having two scramble up feels like bedlam. Well, we are there with Granger and Finn. They’re two months shy of their second birthday, and it seems that the only sitting down peace I get are the few moments that I sit in bed and write. However, I can tell that both boys are still getting a lot of their needs met through nursing. It’s their comfort, their owie fixer, their sleeping aid, and their connection with Mama when they need a minute. Plus it’s a lot of calories for them.
On a completely different note, I’m also feeling a longing and a need to have more contact, and more exchange with the outside world. This is different than past years where I’ve felt that I need a creative outlet, or more time with friends. This is more than that.
I even went through a short 24 hour period last week where I thought about looking for full time employment outside of the home. Then the reality of not wanting to be separated from my toddlers for 40+ hours a week, and the realities of the cost of two toddlers in daycare set in. I can feel something in me changing, though. I feel a need to spread my wings more. I’m not sure if that is through an expansion of my doula business, or my lactation business, or possibly something else.
I’ve been helping a dear friend with a huge cleaning and organizing project this week. It feels good to be working toward an outward goal together. I’m not sure if cleaning or organizing at my own house could give me this kind of satisfaction. I love helping people, and feel drawn to helping in situations where others feel overwhelmed. Yes, I think I’m especially drawn in when others feel overwhelmed. I’m just trying to listen to myself…that always leads me down the right path.
All that being said, this has been an extremely home focused time in the last month. Tommy is taking a class to expand his knowledge and skills, and I’m the one doing all of the driving around to kids activities (although I generally do most of that anyway). I’ve also taken over all of the cooking again, and nearly all of the laundry. Tommy has been working on home improvement projects around the house to get our home ready for sale when he isn’t in class. I don’t know that I would term myself a domestic goddess…in fact I know that I wouldn’t. Housework is hard and boring to me. I get very little payoff from doing dishes or laundry, etc. But I’m doing much better at keeping up on them. I’m sure that the increase in housework is a part of my need for the previously mentioned wing spreading need.
If I could work 20 hours a week, bring my babies, do something meaningful, and make enough to be worth my while, I would do it in a heartbeat…said every woman, everywhere, always.
So yeah, those are my rambling thoughts of the moment. What is coming up in your life over and over these days?