I’ve been hard at work, writing my birth story project. I hope to self publish it. However, I’m at a difficult juncture. I’m reliving some of the self doubt, et cetera . I’m trying to dig in with it, and so I’m feeling much of it again. Honestly, it’s difficult to do though because I felt so depressed and alone during much of the year following Gracie’s birth. I was not as confident then as I am now. Even though I have dealt with the issues that are coming back up, it’s still hard to look back on that version of myself. Seeing where I was, and what I was going through emotionally. Reading old things that I wrote and hearing the pain…even seeing that I was holding back a lot.
While that old self seems familiar in many ways, I also feel that I barely recognize myself in her. It’s the sort of cringing amusement that you feel when you rediscover an adolescent diary or note that you saved.
So that’s the point I had reached a couple Saturdays ago. We had just had dinner with some of our extended family and were basking in the moments of fading laughter after they had left. I’d missed a call from our midwife while our guests were here. I think I’ve mentioned here before that she is for sure my birth soulmate. I relish the bond that we have formed over the years, and it’s always a treat when we talk….but that doesn’t happen often when I’m not pregnant.
It felt great to hear her voice on the other end of the line. She called just to say hello. We haven’t talked in about 8 months, and it was time. As her client, our conversations revolved mostly around me and how I was doing. I’m enjoying having a more two way relationship now. It feels good to reciprocate the friendship that I’ve felt with her for a long time. I told her about my writing project…not sure why it’s so difficult for me to say my book, but it is. I’m going to have to get used to that I think.
In a way I guess I was waiting for her approval on the project, because when she said she would like to read it after it’s complete, something inside me relaxed. She said that my transformation through the birth process was so complete that she thought it would help other women. Of course, this is my hope. I’m hoping to empower revolutionaries. Yes, I mean women in their birthing experiences. Whatever those may be.
To be revolutionary is to learn from experiences that seem to question every thing you believe. Your strength grows from within. You scrap your way through storms. You land triumphant, and note that along the way the storm strips away layers. You don’t lose yourself, but become more defined. You are more you, someone that you never knew you would or could be. Yet, you always were. And you are.
I have created a one page resource guide for those of you who may be needing support right now on your birth journey. Feel free to click below and know that you have loads of love and support coming your way from me.